


Let me smile again

by Sienne



Series: Missing you [1]
Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Bjoo's POV, I might make a companion fic in Hansol's POV, M/M, a bit angsty, but that's only because of the pov, kind of one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 02:25:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6546739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sienne/pseuds/Sienne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knew it would happen with as much certainty as the fact that Hansol was - is-  his best friend, but in the end nothing could have prepared him for it anyway, no matter what he might have tried.</p><p>Byungjoo's thoughts about Hansol's recent distance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let me smile again

**Author's Note:**

> It's been 6 years since I last wrote a fic, and this was created at midnight after a looong day at work, so it's not the best quality. It's kind of scattered and jums a bit, but I hope you can enjoy it anyway.
> 
> Since it's Bjoo's POV, it may seem one-sided, but if I'm asked to I may write a companion fic in Hansol's POV.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr! :) --> sienne-k

It has happened.

He should have known. He had known. And yet, it hurts. Byungjoo wonders if he really is an idiot or if there was another way that he could have chosen to act and he just didn’t see it.

So Hansol decided to distance himself. No big deal. Or, rather, quite a big deal, considering they are actually best friends, and not just officially for business. Then again, it is exactly because they are best friends that Byungjoo has known how Hansol would react and could prepare himself for it.  
It is about the whole gay hustle-bustle, of course. What else got under a straight guy’s skin as easily as being accused of homosexual-anything, really. It’s not like Byungjoo couldn’t understand, god, no. He understands really well, and he doesn’t hold it against Hansol… well, maybe just a little. They are best friends, after all, they should talk these things out instead of just-

not. speaking.  
ignoring.

So, doing the complete opposite of what they should do, basically. It could have been as simple as Hansol getting fed up and hurt over accusations thrown by both haters and well-meaning but unfortunately making things worse fans, and Byungjoo getting upset over being ignored. Oh, god. If things were that easy, he would have gotten his supposed best friend by the collar and shouted at him and cried at him until he got it.

But of course, this is the life of Byungjoo, and nothing is ever that simple in his life. (He might be exaggerating just a little. But only a tiny little bit. It’s his mind, he’s allowed some self-pity in here at least, no?) Things aren’t simple, because… Byungjoo is in love with Hansol.

Whoop-dee-doo, got'ya there, huh?

He is aware that if fans were to choose whose affection between the two of them is genuine, it would be Hansol’s, not his. He wonders if this isn’t some kind of cosmic karma, for all the times he rejected Hansol’s skinship.

But no, that can’t be it. Because he never rejected Hansol truly, that was only a defense mechanism. One he installed consciously, with purpose. Its one and only purpose was to protect Byungjoo from getting hurt, but it doesn’t seem like it worked properly. It was supposed to be simple. (Everything was, really. Becoming an idol, winning music shows, interacting with fans, having a heart-to-heart talk with family… but those are stories for another day). When he realized he was in love - like, love-love - with his best friend, who was not gay, who was Hansol, he knew immediately how it would go. By that time they have already debuted, and had some personal experience with the shipping thing and all it entails. What they would have to put up with. What their pretty faces with thick make-up and visible eyeliner and natural affection would spark. Or at least Byungjoo knew, and because it was Hansol he fell in love with, he knew how Hansol would react. He knew Hansol would break.

It doesn’t even matter if they are or are not gay or whatever, it is just the principle of the matter - the assuming, the not listening, the not allowing the freedom to like who you want (Byungjoo isn’t sure if he’s thinking about his freedom to love Hansol openly or Hansol’s freedom to love anyone other than Byungjoo for fear of fans). He knows Hansol, and he knows his insecurities inside and out. It was only a matter of time. So right then and there, with his realization of love came the realization of ‘it’s not gonna happen’, 'you’re gonna get hurt’, 'don’t get hurt’ and 'evade and avoid’. The latter meaning to avoid developing further affection, of course. Which meant avoiding all the unnecessary touching.

He could have planned it better, he knows. It was a bust, mainly because he always accepted Hansol’s affection first, and rejected it only a second (or a few) later. Because the rejection only happened on camera, in private he never - NEVER - ignored Hansol when he searched for Byungjoo’s company. It was doomed from the start, because he could never hurt his best friend, and complete rejection would result in exactly that. So he rejected Hansol, but at the same time made sure the other understood it was not a rejection.

What convoluted logic is this. He really is an idiot.

So he fell in love, decided to avoid physical contact for fear of developing deeper feelings, which he couldn’t actually do but pretended it was working just fine and he was doing a great job, Hansol got insecure over people’s incessant assumptions and breach of privacy, the thing Byungjoo was afraid of happened, Hansol is now ignoring him apart from when he can’t or gets guilty, and.

And it freaking. HURTS.

Nobody said love would hurt this much.

Okay, so maybe they did, but that was all they did - say. With words and pictures that carried no meaning, words and pictures that somehow lured him into believing it was bearable when it clearly isn’t. Nothing in life, no book, no movie, no play, no song no nothing prepared him for the way his heart and mind and soul breaks every millisecond until it seems there is nothing more to break, just ashes of what remained of Kim Byungjoo, only to prove him wrong. He didn’t sign up for this, and now he wants to scream and bang his head and wail and cry and sob and shake and sleep for ever and ever but can’t.

So he smiles, and goes to Jiho. And Sangwon. And Sangdo. And Sehyuk. And other members who might take him in, into their warmth, and give just a little respite from all the hurting. (It never works, but he pretends it does. It makes them feel relieved when they think they raised his spirits a little, even when they don’t know why exactly he’s so despondent.)

He wishes he could have changed something, but what? He knew exactly what will happen, and it did, and still he couldn’t save himself. He prepared himself for this happening, but how does he go on? What will happen now? What is next? He has never thought further than Hansol’s unconscious rejection, or what it would entail and what he will do then. This endless vortex of heartbreak and depression scares him, makes him feel helpless and sometimes he is so paralyzed with fear he literally can’t move or breathe. He does not see the end, nor an exit. He is afraid there isn’t one.

Byungjoo feels lost, and wishes someone finds him.

  
  
Please, my friend, smile at me, smile with me, let me smile again.


End file.
